“I’m a Woman without an asterisk.”
I have this memory as a child playing in the family room of my home. My mother asked me “Why are you holding your penis while you’re walking?” I responded with a look of confusion. Looking back on this memory, I can’t help but think why our mind chooses to remember the memories that we do. More importantly it’s a memory for me to observe that at such a young age I wasn’t comfortable with my distributed genitalia. Looking back on my childhood; my gender identity didn’t present itself so clearly during that time. I have what I call “Glimpses,” of certain happenings that I see my mind copying & saving for possible review later. For instance, I have this distinct memory of when I was about five-(ish). I don’t remember the exact context but I had to take speech therapy prior to entering kindergarten because I didn’t speak until I was three, & as a part of the school wanting me to feel more comfortable socially, they would have me periodically visit the current kindergarten class while it was in session. I remember this woman, (whom must have been the teacher at the time) telling me in front of the whole class “Go & sit with the group of kids you feel the most comfortable with.” I’m not sure if with over time this memory has become more “Dramatized,” with the playback in my mind but I literally remember walking past most of the class sitting on the floor in Native American style. Everyone was calling me to sit with them. I remember honing in on these two girls. I sat right next to them! They were so welcoming & kind to me. The poignant truth that I interpret to myself about this memory is that their is a power in choosing a group that I identify myself with before solidifying psychologically with my outwardly appearance with gender-profiled terms that I would learn eventually.
“My Shadow-Self,” would be a term I would use to create for a visual projection of how I perceived myself internally. The visualization can shift from an inspiration of a pictorial resembling something specific to covey an emotion of relatability; or it can be an abstract sleu of colors. Almost like an abstract expressionist painting. For instance, if I were to see an aspect of a girl that I liked; or envied I would “Copy and Paste,” that in my mind as an inspiration for my own internal feminine expression. If I were to create a visual painting it would be to do so to create a mood; sound confusing? Well, it kind’ve is! My earliest memory of this visual practice was when I was about twelve. My older sister was getting rid of her old pair of shoes. They happened to be these pair of white keds. I took them but I remember having a sense that I had to hide wearing them because of course I was perceived as a boy & those pair of shoes represented being feminine. At night, when I would watch T.V. I would wear them under my covers; peaking at the sight of them. The image of their feminine representation comforted me. I can remember when I was about sixteen or so the source of imagery was more dependent on gaining a momentum of motivation to engage in life. If I needed to do a task, I imagined my “Girl-Self,” doing it beside me as an impetus. I recall believing & being comfortable with the acknowledgment that I just obtained more of a female spirit than my distributed male gender. (This would be a belief that would always follow me even bringing me into conflict in relationships during my period of trying to emulate a homosexual male lifestyle.) Now the imagery has consistently resembled the painting aesthetic conveying the emotional evolution of my female nature. My therapist told me that when we first saw me in her mind she told herself “That’s a woman.”I mostly steer to the colors of dark greens or blues in my visual shadow-self these days.
. Isn’t the nature of our identities internal? Do you identify & feel comfortable what’s between your legs? If you do; “God Bless you!” But can I ask you to imagine a sphere within your psyche of creative visualization you would have had to create within yourself to cope with the emotional pain of having a distributed genitalia that you didn’t identify with? Being in a place of better comfort in relation to my body I am astounded at the human mind’s potential for taking the necessary subconscious actions for self-preservation. I am not a by-product of academia nor an expert on gender dysphoria; neither of transgender topics. I can only speak of my personal experience & perhaps wish my insight can aid in giving perspective of a glimpse into the tribulations of the transgender experience while continuing to communicate the transcendence of redemption that my journey is offering in the present! In reality we all in our own unique ways are in pursuit of translating our own interpretation of what it means to be living an authentic life. Perhaps some more so then others require this authentic way of life for sanity, or even to participate in the land of the living to begin with…
. My highest hopes for this blog is to be an outlet for me to express what I have felt for quite sometime has been a backlog of psychological interpretation on this journey in transition from my born gender of male into my authentic gender of female. It’s a burden of translated perspective I wish to not bare by myself any longer. I can recall on my journey of investigation inquiring upon other girls whom have gone before me for any insight to paint a picture of the unknown…”Their comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you’d better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you’ll never understand what it’s saying.” -Sarah Dessen, Just Listen. Until my next entry my gracious, radiant readers!
Brenda Tara Valles
