“The Female Frequency.”
The first steps outside of my car are the most difficult. The fear, and angst settles in that I’m piercingly walking outside my protective-bubble that I created for myself. I can feel the current of emotional vulnerability crawl up my spine & settle into the pit of my stomach. How much longer was I going to be able to hide in what had already been deemed as false androgyny? Where was all of these outward expressions going to lead me?
I don’t remember when exactly I felt it but I do believe it happened after being mainly on my appropriate hormone estrogen for a consistent length of time. It wasn’t an emotional experience that happened all at once; but was more of a subtle sensation of intuition that steadily grew in me.
I was assisting at a salon of my employment one day; when I got the realization that by this point in my life yes I was socially experimenting by wearing the deemed clothes allocated for women, wearing the shoes, attempting at wearing noticeable makeup, & surrounding myself with women in my workplace. However, I still felt that I was observing life through a screen-glass door; that somehow I wasn’t fully “Dropped-In,” would be a term I would call for a consistent awareness that I wasn't fully meeting my life experientially…The most ideal description I can offer is that all of life’s happenings were being felt as a slow, consistent resonance of detachment that over time built an overwhelming amount of “Emptiness,” internally.
While “Presenting as my female self was very helpful, and even more helped to liberate symptoms of my gender dysphoria. The condition was becoming more relevant again. Gender dysphoria can be experienced by all transgendered individuals differently. For me; it was a long, consistent process of painful emotions associated with not being present with my body. I remember these painful emotions would manifest slowly like any other depression symptoms around my adolescent years. It wouldn't be until around my mid-twenties that the untranslatable emotional pain would manifest strongly into physical pain centered around my “Past-Life,” penis. (*Past-Life, is a term I use to associate any assorted memories with existing as a born biological-male.)
Have you ever looked at someone you might have known or not & knew what they were intuitively thinking & or feeling from a lengthy distance? Imagine a source of feeling; yet had no derivative from where it came…Like this alignment of synchronicity. Almost as if a sonata of vibrational imprints. It exists! I have felt it! I imagine my words will only go so far in an ineffable indentation of the still-frames in my mind.
Maybe, this frequency had always been there but my admittance or initiation into this realm had not been granted? I have this memory walking to Sunday morning mass of all happenings.( I was raised Catholic) Their was this little girl with her mom & she pointed at me while expressing to her mom “Why is that girl wearing boy’s clothes?” At first this happening shocked me, but at a second glance I smiled at her because I got a glimpse of what I instinctively knew would be copy & saved memory of this girl seeing my authentic nature transcend my physical appearance. I honestly feel that children have an all access pass to seeing the world as close to divinity as possible being just hatched from the source of all creation!
What makes us overlook or forget our indelible connection with our fellow woman? Can life’s tragedies or hardships over time separate us from one another?
Being in the land of the un-living for such a long time; a mere observing holding shell that learned to assimilate responses to life as an act to appear normal. Their were no guarantees for me that the girl I was in my mind would ever translate to the outside world. It took almost a miracle of surrender to the realization of my nature & an actual flash of desperate calling to start living in my authentic female self. I truly believe that we are the only demographic of females that have to prove what has been easily given physically to others; the validity of our identities to ourselves & the outside world.
Maybe, its the gift of not taking this female experience for granted; that can be the resolute teaching stone for my own life? Can this account of initiation into the female sphere be of inspiration to you? I certainly hope so! Because daily I see biological born women carry their femininity as a hopeless obligation…A burden to be possibly more jaded by the human experience. An abject to life that has to be tolerated…
The “Female Frequency.” I believe it exists in all of us. Please don’t let it take your intuition to become dormant to realize was once was…
